"When I said 'death before dishonor', I meant alphabetically."
"Putting the laughter back into manslaughter."
"Dyslexics Of The World Untie"
"He who laughs last probably does not get the joke."
"I miss you like a retard misses the point."
"Don't steal. The goverment hates competition."
"Wha do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist."
"Imagine there were no hypothetical situations."
"Just remember. If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall out."
"He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia."
"Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes."
"I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving."
"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?"
"When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!"
"Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else."
"The Vending Machine Theory : Stuff tastes better when it falls."
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list."
"Evening News is where they begin with 'Good Evening', and then proceed to tell you wy it isn't."
"How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?"
"I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."
"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip."
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
"Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower."
"Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole."
"Never hit a man with glass. Hit him with a baseball bat."
"There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away."
"You're never too old to learn something stupid."
"When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember thaat the Fire Department uses water."
'I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."'
"Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil."
"To be sure you hit the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit."
"Hallmark Card: 'I'm so miserable without you; it's like you're still hear.'"
